Why Do Therapists Focus So Much on Feelings?

We tend to think of feelings as fleeting, subjective experiences—mere reactions to the world around us and perhaps even distractions. But emotions, moods, and other subjective feelings are far more than momentary states; they are central to understanding why we act the way we do. 

Feelings matter for two principal reasons: they reveal and reflect our values, and they motivate us to bring about certain emotional states. These two principles together offer a powerful explanation of human behavior, from the small choices we make daily to the grand pursuits that shape our lives.  

Feelings Reveal and Reflect Our Values  

Our emotions act as a mirror, showing us what truly matters to us. Imagine you lose your phone. If you feel only mild irritation, which suggests convenience is important to you, but not essential. If you feel a surge of panic, it reveals that your phone is deeply tied to something of great value—perhaps your social connections, work, or sense of security. In this way, our emotional responses illuminate our priorities, sometimes more honestly than our words.  

Beyond revealing values, emotions also reinforce them. Suppose you experience deep sadness after a falling-out with a close friend. That sadness doesn’t just reflect that you value friendship—it strengthens that value by making you more likely to seek reconciliation or approach future friendships with greater care. The same process applies to joy, anger, pride, or guilt; our feelings both stem from and shape what we hold dear.  

At the same time, feelings often reflect two or more values (and the goals we pursue) at a time, and those can be in conflict, or impossible to pursue effectively at the same time. Perhaps we want to spend time with someone (reflecting a value of intimacy), and at the same time we don’t want to risk reinforcing some hurtful behavior they have recently demonstrated (reflecting a value of justice, or of self-protection), so we are conflicted about whether – and how – to reach out to or respond to them. 

Feelings Motivate Us to Bring About More Feelings  

Our emotions don’t just tell us what matters—they drive us to act. Much of what we do is aimed at cultivating or avoiding particular feelings. A person might work long hours not simply for the paycheck but for the pride, security, or relief it brings. We seek relationships not just for companionship but because love and connection feel meaningful and fulfilling. We may avoid playing basketball to avoid feelings of embarrassment, incompetence, and failure if are not particularly skilled at the game, if we have unreasonable standards for our performance, or if we anticipate being teased by others regardless of how well or poorly we play. Even seemingly selfless acts, like donating to charity, are often driven by a desire to experience kindness, purpose, or relief from guilt.  

This helps to explain not only individual behavior but also social and cultural trends. The entertainment industry, for example, thrives because people crave excitement, laughter, emotional release, relief from boredom, or the pleasure of beautiful writing, skilled performances, or artful cinematography. Social movements gain momentum because people are driven by emotions like outrage or hope. On a personal level, we chase love, adventure, success, or stability not just for their material benefits but for the emotional states they promise.  

A (Somewhat) Unified Explanation of Behavior  

Taken together, these two principles—feelings as reflections of values and as motivators—offer a compelling framework for understanding our behavior. If we want to make sense of our own actions or those of others, we must look at the emotions involved. That is not to say there are not constraints on behavior that also help to explain it. There are limited opportunities, time, resources, and threats, for example, which are taken into account when we choose how to behave. But even about those factors, we have feelings of excitement, fear, frustration, disappointment, confusion, and ambivalence. 

In this way, we can begin to make sense of what may at first or even second glance appear to be irrational. Why does a person quit a stable job to pursue art? Likely because their deep frustration or longing reveals that creativity is a core value, and they are motivated to seek fulfillment. Why does another person stay in a difficult career? Perhaps because the security, status, or sense of achievement or even duty it brings outweighs the discomfort.  

Far from being irrational distractions, feelings are central to our decision-making and behavioral choices. They tell us what matters, and they push us to act in ways that align with our inner world, sometimes even to reassess and modify our values and goals. 

If we want to better understand ourselves and others, we would do well to pay attention to what we feel—and why.